Guardian
by TheConspiracyTheory
Summary: The day Kanda Yuu disappeared was the day Allen Walker saw no reason to exist. Suicidal themes.


Timeline: It's hard to explain, but it's all before the third and second exorcists crap, hopefully it's not too confusing.

Rated T just to be safe.

* * *

**Guardian**

I can sit for hours in the Ark just thinking about... Nothing. Nothing at all.

Days past and I feel empty, a shell.

The hymn, it reminds me of you so much, you just had to go ahead and … didn't you?

I keep trying, trying to forget you, but ever since the day the...

Ever since you disappeared, it's been nagging me, what is the true point of this war?

Sometimes I ask myself is it just better to die too?

Then all the burdens, hopes and dreams will be gone too. And that's a good thing right?

I keep asking myself rhetorical questions, maybe it's just to take my mind of things?

Reality hurts too much, I can't face it, not now not ever, the illusion of the lotus, you didn't tell me...

Should I hate you or love you?

Should I feel melancholy or rejoice?

I honestly don't know, but one thing I miss for sure is the arguments we had every day, sparring down at the training rooms, being partners in a mission...

Those days...

But I think what I'll miss most is the warmth that you had although your exterior was so cold. How your smirk was the closest thing to a smile. How you were just shy underneath the hard outer shell; a soft core. All in all I miss you.

I wonder where you are now.

Perhaps up in the skies watching over us? But that's not possible, at least you wouldn't admit to it.

If we could do it all again would you have told me?

I guess not, you like to carry your own burdens and not share the load.

What can I say? I miss you.

* * *

It had been 6 months and 21 days since the disappearance and presumed death of Kanda Yuu. Although the absence of a threatening samurai should have lightened the Order's mood, it did not, instead it seemed more sombre than ever. They had lost one of their greatest Exorcists, that wasn't a general and another one was on the way too, the way everything seemed to be heading.

Allen Walker never seemed to be okay after Kanda disappeared, and it was getting worse, his face was barely ever seen anymore and Lenalee and Lavi had to force feed him just to keep him alive. When people asked what was wrong he merely said he had lost his appetite. When people asked why he said that it was nothing. But his closest friends knew it was nothing. Kanda and Allen's relationship was more than likely beyond friendship. Allen also probably was upset at Kanda for telling him naught before he decidedly died. He also probably blamed himself for the loss of Kanda, being the martyr he was.

Since Kanda's disappearance, there was not enough man power to keep the Order running, however Komui instructed that they keep a weather eye out for Kanda when sent on a mission. He had also instructed Hevalaska to watch if Kanda' Innocence, but Hevalaska could only sense if the Innocence was in use if it was dormant, then it was like any normal fragment in the world. However Innocence were targeted by Akuma and for Kanda alive? All she could say was that fragment's host was most likely dead.

In other words there was still the slimmest possibility that he was still alive.

They tried many things to find their lost exorcists, in fact too much for the Vatican's liking.

More and more days, weeks and months past, until a whole year since Kanda disappeared.

Allen somehow or another regained his sense to live, yet he was an empty shell, just repeatedly asking for missions and being sent out to kill hordes and hordes of Akuma only to come back bloody and beaten up not unlike the way Kanda was like. People would say he almost had a deathwish.

It was one of these missions where Allen found himself caught in a greater pickle than ever, he had miscalculated and got himself all injured and now he was facing a Level 4. It was just his luck, but somewhere in him, partially it was what he hoped for, to die in battle, but another part him screamed and yelled of all the Akuma souls yet to be saved and all the humans to be saved from Akuma. But his other side countered, he wasn't the only Exorcists.

But he had to live up to Mana's wishes.

Yet he wanted to leave his miserable existence as a shell.

Yet had he redeemed himself in the eyes of god?

But even if he didn't he wanted to go.

However what of his friends?

Like getting over Kanda, they would get over him.

Right?

"Exorcist, tody is you last day!" said the Level 4.

Allen fought, long and hard, yet half the time he was fighting himself, of whether to submit to death or live on.

The final attack was reminiscence of the last battle he fought side by side with Kanda against the Level 4 with his own sword stabbed through him. Yet that was the element of surprise that had finally killed the Level 4 he was currently fighting.

He fell to the floor, spread eagle, as he watched the Akuma disappear and its soul float off to heaven, for fleeting moment he wished he could follow.

Perhaps he could, seeing sorry state he was in.

"Oi, Moyashi!"

Allen perked up all the sudden, his eyes snapped open from his near unconsciousness. There was a hand extended towards him. A very familiar hand, the one that was rough from battle, yet the same on that lovingly touched him. Without hesitation and with hope he reached out with the last of his strength, before he felt a strong force pulling him upwards. The last thing he remembered before seeing the dark was a pair of the darkest blue eyes that could only belong to one person.

* * *

I know there are some inconsistencies from the D. Gray Man universe, but they are there for a reason.

I think the ending suffices, it leaves a lot of unanswered questions, yet that's the way I wanted it, the ambiguity, take it whichever way you want. In fact review and tell me what you thought, I'd love to know and see how my idea has been conveyed across.


End file.
